Painting a Portrait
By: Sheila Hynes, MA, LMFT
Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist
Member of Chicago EFT
Confidentiality Disclaimer:
The couple described in this article is a composite based on experiences drawn from my work with multiple clients. All identifying details have been changed or omitted to protect the confidentiality of my clients. This story has been deidentified and constructed for educational and illustrative purposes only. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is purely coincidental.
As an Emotionally Focused Therapist, I consistently recognize and appreciate the strength and impact of this model, as I witness couples building more secure and emotionally connected relationships. Guided by the moves of the Tango, I carefully circle around and around, hoping for a bit more of a breakthrough, just a little bit more vulnerability. I often remind myself; stay focused, stay attuned, be patient, feel your own emotions, and then a very natural process takes over. It’s as if I have entered the couple’s cycle with them, and I can actually see and feel what happens when they are triggered. The attunement process is palpable, and healing for people in distress. I listen intently to understand a couple’s cycle and liken it to painting a picture for them – or sketching it first – as they give me more to work with each time we circle around the Tango. The portrait begins to take shape, with a defined landscape of highs and lows, and dark gloomy colors that are indicative of the cycle of disconnection. I put words to what I see unfolding, helping the couple recognize the patterns and the emotion in the room. I am careful to set up enactments, hoping for a soft landing, and a compassionate response from their partner. I notice the negative interactive patterns that perpetuate the distress in the cycle begin to shift. Many clients have layers of complex emotional defenses designed to conceal vulnerability, shaped by experiences of betrayal, neglect or threat. Deeply buried beneath anger, resentment and angst, it can sometimes be difficult to access their underlying pain. It is always interesting to me how once those layers begin to peel back; fear emerges, as if it needs to be exposed to the light. The fear that lies at the core of the problem has often been so disguised, that the client’s heart is hardened, not allowing anything to penetrate the thick protective walls that the heart creates to guard itself. The guardedness can sometimes be useful to clients, motivating them to climb higher in their career, staying so focused on achievement and perfectionism, thus creating an ever-moving target so the heart won’t have to feel. As many couples present with a Pursue-Withdraw dynamic, I am sharing a story of a fictional couple, based upon a compilation of my experiences.
When the couple entered my office, I could feel the tension between them. I noticed how rigid and reactive the one partner’s responses were, and how quickly they became defensive the instant they were triggered. It was as if their partner was walking through a field of land mines, never quite knowing where to step. The Pursuer described how when the Withdrawer erupted in a tirade of defensiveness and yelling; the Pursuer also became explosive – both partners trying to protect themselves, terrified of being rejected or abandoned. Behind the loud voices and angry words, was a deeper story – of pain, and a of a nervous system that had been overwhelmed too many times. This couple had both experienced trauma in their childhood – one from divorce and the other from a lifetime of being labeled as impulsive, reactive and having intense emotions.
As their cycle emerged, I noticed the darkness under the Withdrawer’s eyes, and their baseball cap sitting low, a signal of exhaustion, and unspoken pain. The Pursuer described how it was impossible to get the Withdrawer’s attention. It became increasingly evident during the session, that the Pursuer was “task oriented,” wanting to get things done, and focus on their “to do list.” In an effort to get the Withdrawer’s attention, the Pursuer always found tasks for them to “do together.” As the Pursuer began talking about the frustration of being continually ignored and disappointed, I noticed the pain behind the Pursuer’s eyes, as they described their intense fighting. With compassion and curiosity, I asked the Pursuer to tell me about the pain I was noticing behind their eyes. The Pursuer shared how deeply their partner’s words had hurt. The Pursuer began to cry as I encouraged more sharing about what was happening in that moment in their body. The Pursuer said their heart hurt, recalling the same feeling they experienced at 4 years old, when their parents divorced and no one saw their pain, no one held them, and they desperately wanted to be cared for. The Pursuer described how they often experienced a “grey, numb feeling,” and felt like they were invisible to the world, “just like a Harry Potter character,” they said, standing right there, but no one saw them. The Pursuer cried softly and recalled how the only way to get anyone’s attention as a child was to get perfect grades, to perform well in everything they did, and to be super responsible. It was only then that they were noticed by their divorced parents. As I brought my client back to present moment, I asked if perhaps that part of them felt as if they still had to perform, to be task oriented, driven to perfection and responsibility, to be noticed, when underneath there was a frightened 4-year-old, that needed to be loved and cared for.
The Pursuer recognized how this trauma had wounded their heart, and how their anger was their “shield.” As their emotions intensified, I leaned in, to explore and heighten the primary emotions of sadness and fear. I guided the Pursuer to turn to their partner in an enactment, and share how it felt to be invisible to them. As they shared, the Withdrawer reached for the Pursuer, holding them while they sobbed. The Withdrawer’s tears fell softly and they sat up taller, wrapping their arm around their partner and allowing them to heal within their warm embrace. This angry Withdrawer became a comforter, a protector, a lover and a friend to their partner in that moment, when they witnessed the Pursuer’s vulnerability. The Pursuer had allowed themselves to receive the Withdrawer’s comfort and to be held. The Withdrawer described how they hadn’t known this part of their partner. The Withdrawer shared how hard they had been trying to please their partner, for fear of losing them, and how afraid they were to fail as their partner.
This moment was the crowning jewel of the session! I wanted to leap around the room as I witnessed the transformation in the couple and their hearts open to one another. I could see the evidence of the powerful model of EFCT and the importance of guiding our clients to access those deeper emotions that can provide a life changing opportunity for healing. This couple appreciated the deeper healing that occurred that day in session and I was overjoyed to know that my training had given me the confidence to keep diving in and leading them to unknown territory with skill, and determination to open their hearts to love. I was grateful as I pictured their portrait becoming colorful, alive with glowing shades of healing rays, reminding me of a bright sunset at the end of the day.
Clinical Notes:
The above story is a representation of Stage 1: De-escalation – with the goal of identifying the Negative Cycle and accessing Primary emotion. As the session begins, the therapist is attuned and tracking the cycle. One partner (the Pursuer) expresses repeated frustration about not being able to get through to their partner (the Withdrawer). The therapist notes that tasks and to-do lists have become the Pursuer’s strategy for connection, while the Withdrawer retreats emotionally and physically.
Moves of the Tango:
Move 1: Reflect Present Process
Therapist reflects the negative cycle: “So when you can’t get your partner’s attention, you push harder – maybe with tasks and things to work on together, and you notice that your partner quickly becomes angry and defensive. When this happens, you react to your partner’s anger by becoming angry and defensive too. Your partner shuts down and pulls away – distancing themselves from you, and that distance really hurts. Did I get that right?”
Move 2: Exploring the Deeper Emotion
Therapist begins to explore the Pursuer’s emotional experience. “When you said that you feel invisible, what does that feel like in your body?” The therapists uses empathic reflection as the client begins to experience the emotion of sadness. The Pursuer identifies pain in their heart and connects it to an early memory of being unseen during their parents’ divorce. The therapist slowly heightens this emotional experience, tracking the client’s felt sense of being invisible and fear of being unseen and unheard.
Move 3: Set up Enactment
Therapist helps the Pursuer identify the part of themselves that seeks love through performance, asking them; “I wonder if this part still feels like they have to be perfect to be seen, driven to perfection, and responsibility, when underneath there was a frightened 4-year-old that needed to be loved and cared for.” The client begins to make the connection with the trauma experienced in childhood, how this part was wounded, and anger was a protest to protect them from the pain of disconnection from their partner. The therapist asks the Pursuer to share how it felt to be invisible to the Withdrawer, from a place of vulnerability, sharing their sadness and fear of not being seen or heard. As the Pursuer shared, the Withdrawer softened, and reaches for the Pursuer from a place of compassion, having not previously understood how the Pursuer was seeking their love, connection and proximity. The Withdrawer is visibly moved, describing their own fear of failure and overwhelming pressure to get it right. This moment is a shift from secondary reactive anger to primary emotions of sadness, fear and shame. This trauma-informed exploration allows for emotional depth without overwhelming the client, moving from insecure attachment to a moment of secure bonding.
Move 4: Processing the Enactment
The therapist explores the couples’ experience asking the Pursuer what it was like for them to share their sadness and fear of being invisible to their partner – and asks the Withdrawer what it was like to hear their partner share from this place of vulnerability. The therapists reflects what was noticed in their interaction – the vulnerability, the act of compassion evidenced by the physical touch and reflects the shift in the Withdrawer’s perception of the Pursuer with this new information about what drives the cycle.
Move 5: Integrate/Validate/Reflect Process
The therapist reflects the beliefs/emotions/behaviors that drive their cycle of disconnection, and validates the couple’s courage to be vulnerable, gently describing the shift that just occurred. The couple begins to form a new understanding of themselves and each other. The emotional accessibility and responsiveness begins to reshape their narrative. The couple begins to experience and internalize the safety of secure bonding.
